I had plans yesterday. I was meeting 2 friends downtown. My plans did nor include being rushed to the ER, but, this is my life so I should have known. Earlier that morning I had some dark brown discharge come out, and called my OB/GYN who said that was normal in pregnancy and not to worry. So I didn't.

I left the house to meet Chelsie and Laura and felt blood run down my leg. I went to a clinic, who called the hospital and said "she needs to come to the ER" This sucked because a.) we don't have insurance until Aug 1st b.) I miscarried last year in the ER and had a horrible experience.

I got to the ER and called Jerad, he and Liam walked over. Liam was sweet, when I got my ultrasound he said things like "Mamma are you alright?" "why mamma sad?" and he kissed my hand "there, all better". When I went into the bathroom he said "mamma is going in the cave"

We get back upstairs and are waiting for the Doctor to come talk to me. Jerad left (just for a minute) to take the stroller back to the car. The Doctor came in. (Everything bad happens when I'm alone, btw)

Dr: Has anyone talked to you yet?
Molly: No, not yet.
Dr: Well we couldn't find the baby's heart beat, and when we looked at the heart it wasn't moving.
(Pause)
Molly: So  it's dead?
Dr: Yes
Dr: (phone ringing) I have to take this.
Molly: You know what, just leave. Take your phone with you.
Dr: I can take it later.
Molly: So what now?
Dr: It's not up to me


He is gone by the time Jerad gets back, I get the pleasure of telling him (again) that our baby wasn't alive. Jerad and I decided that maybe Liam shouldn't be there, so he took him to his cousin's. The doctor came back in when Jerad left.

Dr: So there isn't much we can do. We can send you home and it can be concluded there. 
Molly: What do you mean?
Dr: The miscarriage would happen at home.
Molly: So you want me to like, walk around with a jar? That's what you are telling me. I just wait for my dead baby to fall out.
Dr: You would be home when you miscarried
Molly: Then what?
Dr: You can do whatever you want with it.
Molly: (angry) I can do whatever I want with it?? I already had this happen once and I am not doing it again. And I am not putting my child in a jar to "to do whatever I want with it"
Dr: Well, we can do a D+C, but...
Molly: Is that where they vacuum it out?
Dr: They scrape it out, and it is very painful.
Molly: I can handle pain. I want a D+C.
Dr: Well...I would have to you OB/GYN
Molly: Fine.


The Chaplain came in to talk to me, and it was nice that some one was actually listening to me. Jerad came back in and he prayed for us. Hr talked to the Dr. for me and told him that his behavior was making it worse. The Doc actually treated me better then. He came in to tell us that my OB/GYN was in surgery and needed to know how many times I've seen him.

Molly: I've seen Dr. Klomp twice.
Dr: OK, cause he might not even claim you as a patient then.


They finally got ahold of Klomp, and scheduled my surgery for asap the next morning. We got in the OR at 6am and Dr. Klomp talked to me. I felt so much better. He told me that if would have been there last night he would have scheduled a D+C right away, that it was a good choice I made. The baby was just at the right size that it is hard for the body to get rid of so it's riskier to miscarry at home. Plus this way bleeidng is kept at a minimum (good cause I am anemic) and I got antibiotics to prevent infection. He told me his wife also had a miscarriage and was afraid to conceive again.

Dr K: We had a healthy son.
Molly: But she didn't lose two in a row, what is wrong with me?
Dr K: I don't beleive it is a medical problem, you just got unlucky twice. You have a son, you can conceive. You will have another baby again.
Molly:  Thank you.

That was so nice to hear. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom, and it's not joyful like I imagined. I've had one and lost two. Mt heart is broken. I am so scared of it happening again.

I had surgery, it went well. Jerad was with me the whole time and it was nice. We went and got Liam and talked to Rob and Alisha for a while. They had a miscarriage right before I had my first one so they understand.

I am a lot better this time, I am more prepared. Plus, Jerad and I live in the same house so I'm not alone. My stomach hurts a lot from surgery and my throat is really sore from a breathing tube but otherwise OK. I've lost my voice so Jerad is manning the phones.

I'll get better, I am not crying nearly a much today.

Celebrity gossip magazines. And margarine. It's not found in nature, margarine is 100% man made and our bodies don't process it. Yeah, gross.

Liam will be three in about a month. When I was pregnant with him (2005-2006) I can't remember anyone talking about having a small family to help conserve the Earth's resources. I definitely have hippie tendencies, but even I hadn't really thought about it. We recycle and I breastfed, we also used cloth diapers (until we moved into our apartment) to try and make our parenting as "green" as possible. We bought Liam organic and sustainably grown baby food and made an effort to curb consumerism as much as possible. But only having two kids because of global resources never really crossed my mind. And no one else really seemed to be talking about it either.

This pregnancy, I have heard a lot about it. Jerad and I discussed it. Other families are talking about it. I've had three conversations this month alone about being "socially responsible" and only having two kids. Jerad and I were talking about the need for a bigger vehicle, house, airplane tickets, and other costs that would happen if we had two more kids.

I heard this year that the population in Russia and (I think) China were declining rapidly and there was worry about the lack of young people. It seems like more people are having smaller families, it's no longer a requirement for income (having the kids work on the farm, dowries, etc). While I don't judge people with like, 3 or 4 kids, the families that get in-vitro and have like 6 at once or the religious folks who don't believe in birth control and have 10+ kids drive me insane. 

How important is it to only have 2 kids? It's not like I'm planning on having more after this one (we are probably done, if we want more I think we will most likely adopt) but is it like, globally depleting to have more than what is considered responsible? What do you think?

I did some research on the fertility industry a while back. I have never been comfortable with artificial pregnancy. Again, not judging anyone, but I personally would rather adopt then go through all that. Anyway, in-vitro costs a fortune and there is no gaurantee it will even take. I read about women waiting until way past the healthy pregnancy age (under 35) and wanting a baby. Like a 60 year old who had twins. 60. Seriously. I read an article on a sucessful stock broker who had a sperm donor daughter at age 50. Her daughter is in daycare 40+ hours a week and she's a single mom. The article was praising her on "having it all, good job and a family". It made me roll my eyes. I know I am probably being overly critical, but why wait until you are 50 and then have your kid at daycare more then they are at home? I understand some families have no choice, they have to work, but it sounded like she didn't.

I'm not saying at all "you have to give up everything to be a good parent" but you need to be willing to sacrifice a little for your children. Maybe she was, I don't know. It's just not a choice I would ever make. Anyway, I read some horror stoies about in-vitro. It's usually women wait until they are older to have kids and need medical help to get pregnant. Since it is so expensive they try and have twins, triplets, or even more at once. The human body is only meant to carry one offsrping. Twins occur naturally, but it's rare because it's really hard on the mom's body and can be dangerous for the babies.

I'm not at all being critical of those who want a family but have infertility problems. I feel fortunate that I am able to get pregnant. I just get frustrated at the people who, I feel, are irrespobsible and even frivelous about it. Who am I to judge who is being frivelous? I'm probably not entitled, thsi is just me venting in my journal.

But...there is the attention factor. If you have 6+ babies at once you can get your own show on TLC. Or Octo-Mom, who has 12 kids with different dads, lives with her parents, and is on welfare. Why would you need to have 6 babies at once? Sometimes the parents have to have a few of the babies aborted, what a hard thing to go through. I'm not against in-vitro or women having kids later in life, I just think it's something that should be taken seriously and thought through. And what's wrong with good old adoption?

I read one story where a women was injected with 3 egss and only one got fertilized. She was dissapointed because she wanted 3 kids but wanted them all at once so it would be easier. Another woman got 3 fertilized eggs, then had 3 stillborn babies. How horrible is that? Some quotes I found:

• A twin is seven times as likely — and a triplet is more than 20 times as likely — as a singleton baby to die in the first month of life, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
• Brianna Morrison of Minnesota delivered four boys and two girls at 22 weeks’ gestation, but three of the boys have died and the remaining three babies are in critical condition.
• “Selective reduction … puts people in a horrible situation,” says Stillman. “These are people who are distraught with the difficulty of getting pregnant and then they have to do what’s really an abortion to maximize the outcome of the remaining babies.”

Louis VIV!! Obviously. He was glorious. A glorious king.


OK, and everything. I love French culture.

LAUGH OUT FUCKING LOUD















Uh!